Rantings

God in Pieces

2009-12-13T19:48:00.000-08:00

We all have this time piece of ourselves that is bridged with God. This time piece of life that knows what's right, what's wrong and what's needed to make us who we are. I had a reminded over the last week of just how real this piece of God is. I'm amazed at the ways that he shows through and left breathless when I think about it.
How is it that we can all go around day after day like we do and then all of sudden, that little connection within us comes out? I have always been very aware of the God within me; however, I've never realized the God that exists in others. It's as if people are the pieces to a puzzle that as a whole makes up God.

Moments of Fullness

2009-12-11T22:02:00.000-08:00

I feel such love for Steve that I have to stand back and look at how far I've come. I've never made an effort. He's the first guy who has come into my life where I feel that making an effort is worth it. Although, 90% of the time there isn't an effort required. I wish that he could see himself through my eyes for a minute, just a short amount of time. He's such a warm and loving person that I feel lucky to have him in my life. I don't know anyone like him. He's a million things I can't describe. I know that he is always afraid of losing me. Whether it be to someone else or to nothing at all. What he doesn't realize is that he's the only one who could lose me...I'm not going anywhere so long as he's Steve.

A Journey

2009-12-10T11:07:00.000-08:00

Life is a journey, that's for sure. I have learned so much thus far and it's scary and exciting to think of all the things I will learn moving forward.

Steve is gone for five days and although I'm happy for him and exciting that he's getting this time for himself...I miss him. I have never loved anyone as much as I love him. He is this amazing guy. Sure he makes his mistakes but I'm not easy to deal with and he tolerates the good and bad in me. I have never felt the need to be so loyal in my life. I've always had people who come and go and aren't really committeed to me. Now I've got Steve and he's as devoted to me as I am to him. Yes we both have our insecurities as we're both damaged goods...but at least we're in the compost pile together.

Another Fit

2009-12-06T15:46:00.000-08:00

The monthly fit has starting to feel normal. He threw his fit yesterday, almost right on schedule...and instead of taking it to heart and feeling like shit - I've given up. He needs drama in his life. I get that. He hasn't learned how to live in the moment - he can't just accept the life that he has. I guess that comes from a lot of different places - low self-esteem, scary past and scary future. Rather than sucking it up, getting the help he needs and learning that living in the present isn't all that bad - he continues with this monthly circle.

He needs help. I love him and I want to support him but I can't help him in the ways that he needs. I'm having a hard time even making the effort with him anymore. How can I take anything he gets upset about seriously when I know that he wont deal with the real issues? He needs to deal with his past - his family issues (which he has created since his family really doesn't hate him like he thinks), his military experiences (which he seems to pretend never happened and yet holds extreme emotions - which only come out when you mention certain things), and his self-esteem issues (which I think will heal themselves if he fixes the other areas of his life). He depends on me to create his own image and that's just not healthy.

Since he's started this fit I've realized that I can use these monthly moments to catch up on the things I give up during the remainder of the month for him. I called up the friends who's phone calls I hadn't returned. I set up a dinner date with a gal pal I haven't had enough time for. I finished a good book.

2009-11-30T10:36:00.000-08:00

Pinch Me

2009-11-25T07:20:00.000-08:00

Yes work may suck but Steve is amazing.

Last night after a long day of fighting people I came home to rose petals, candles, a great meal and a bubble bath. What girl could ask for more? It was this totally enchanting thing - something you'd see on a movie. I wish I could write more and describe it but it was simply wordless and breath taking. If anything - I'm spoiled!

Single for Life?

2009-10-12T15:17:00.000-07:00

I've always thought I was meant to be single. Not because I'm destined to be alone or anything of the sort - but because I'm okay with being single and being in a relationship just seems to be...well...________(insert proper description here).
If I was ever meant to spend the rest of life with someone, it would be Steve. He's truly the prince charming I've always wanted. But...there are downsides too and I just can't deal with those. For example, he doesn't trust me...at all!!! I've never been more in love, loyal or happy with someone and yet at every turn I'm being asked "where were you at lunch?," "who texted you?" and all those lovely controlling questions that get you no where but isolated - and that's exactly what I feel with him now. I don't feel like I'm in a relationship - I feel like I'm in a battle. I'm battling for him to see me for me, accept what I'm telling him and trust me. As we all know...I don't battle well and thus...I'm destined to be single.

Ghost of Boyfriends Past

2009-10-04T18:21:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been cheated on? For the last seven years I believed whole heartedly that I had been. When it had first happened, I was devistated and felt like the world had ended. Eventually, Fernando and I agreed that we could move past it. The thing was, I couldn't. I continued to internally hate him for what I thought he had done to me. I ruined us slowly, as a way of hating him and as a way of hating myself for what had happened.
Back to modern day. My boyfriend was texting his ex and when I asked about it...he lied. Why? Why do you think? The situation screams cheater. But...the issue isn't him. The issue is me and that fact that I absolutely can't deal with lying.
I have worked very hard on my overall health and feeling healthy from the inside out. Although I've always know that the Fernando situation had taken a very big toll on my ability to trust whole-hearted. I thought I was making great steps towards building a relationships that was honest, strong and healthy. After this little incident I realized that I have a lot of personal healing left to do. A little lie (as I keep telling myself it was...and it may very well have been), has brought up some very tough and old scars that although I don't want to deal with...I know that I am finally at a point in my life that I am ready to deal with them.
Oh, and I did I mention that Fernando never actually cheated on me.

Gastroparesis and Welchol

2009-09-05T19:15:00.000-07:00

I started taking Welchol for elevated cholesterol and I've surprised to say that it's actually relieved some of the symptoms I've suffered from the gastroparesis. Thus far, I'm not as nauseous and my bowels are actually working like a normal persons. Although it's not prescribed for gastroparesis - I'm thinking maybe some studies should be done. It's been great!

Un-Cheated

2009-09-01T17:47:00.000-07:00

I got un-cheated today...complicated and yet not. I received my final pay check from my old employer and they actually didn't cheat me!!! I'm shocked!!! Thus, for this single time. I have been un-cheated.

On another note, Stacey came over today cause she was in the neighborhood and we have a great little girl chat. I forgot how much I enjoy just spending time with my gal pals and gossiping about random bull.

Is there something about me that sends out streaming lights that flash "My boyfriend hates me" when Steve and I are fighting? The only reason I ask is because every time Steve starts pushing me away, boy start coming a knocking...perhaps it's pheromones? The pheromones that make my boyfriend hate me are the same ones that make other guys like me?

The Monthly Dumping

2009-08-31T21:42:00.000-07:00

Dumped again...one month and three days to the date of the last one.
Do you ever wish that someone could literally see and feel things from your perspective? I've been through various things and I don't think I've ever really wanted that. Right now - I do. My boyfriend is mad at me for something I didn't do. If I could just pull up deleted texts I could prove it. If I could just cave and call Beth I would...and yet...I feel like it wouldn't matter. He's made up his mind and he needs to do his monthly thing. I just wish he could see things from my eyes, I wish he could feel my love for him, my pain when he does this each time and the way that I feel in the middle of the month when I'm just waiting for this to happen again and again. I keep giving my heart and waiting to be hurt...yet each time he breaks it, I have to wonder if it grows a little smaller.
As I do, I called Brian to see what he thinks I should do. Of course his first response when I said that my boyfriend was upset because he thought I texted Brandon was "How com I'm ok but not the other?" So Brian! Then he said "Of course he's throwing a fit. Guys do that when it comes to exes." When I asked if I should just cave and call Beth, he said that I need to really think about it. Yes it's not a good thing to cave but..."As a friend I'm saying you can be very difficult." Lol! I know that and Brian's brutal honesty with me is always very refreshing. He tells it like it is. I need that sometimes. Although the only that Brian really made me aware of was the fact that I'm being to idealistic if I really expect my boyfriend to trust me. Apparently, guys just don't do that.
The worst part is that I completely trust Steve. He could go out to dinner with an ex and so long as he told me what was up and came home to me afterwards I could deal with it. I don't think I've ever felt this type of trust before but this is the first relationship I've been in since my diagnosis and since I've started really working at being health and only being in healthy relationships. Is it true that they say only cheaters get worried that you're cheating?? I sure hope not because I'm putting my 100% into believing that Steve is faithful and I refuse to let that be shaken unless he says so out of his own mouth.

Filled with Memories and Emotions

2009-07-24T19:24:00.001-07:00

It's 7:30pm and my bags are finally packed for Monterey. I'm sitting here at my computer in pjs with flip flops and wet hair crying. Crying a lot these days I suppose. I'm crying for a lot of reasons too. I'm crying because I want this trip to rekindle what I once had with my boyfriend - who at this moment isn't even sure he wants to go...but I'm crying more because this will probably be my last trip with my Grandma.
Every summer for as long as I can remember my grandparents would take me to the coast with them. We would spend the week sightseeing, eating out and watching the waves come in. Last year in Monterey we got the news that Grandma had cancer and we called our trip short. This year we're returning and going to make the most of it...yet it's harder this time because the cancer is so much more real. Grandma doesn't have hair anymore and although her spirits are high, she tires easily...I'm scared...very scared right now about making this trip the most I can.

Fairytale

2009-07-23T19:33:00.001-07:00

I met the love of my life once...and he was tall and handsome. He flew in on his poly bag and swept me off my feet. And we lived happily ever after.

Or I could be realistic and say that I met the love of my life once and it turned out he was really the ugly witch in disguise. As you know, I've been dating and it's been intense and amazing. But for the last week or so, that amazing-ness went away. He became cold and edgy. Although his body was physically there and I felt safe and happy in his arms, the passionate love that I once felt wasn't from his body - it was from his mind and his heart. So although I fought to think that I had what I wanted for the last week...I finally came to decide today that things weren't going to change and that the body snatchers had actually snatched the body of my beloved. It's ironic the intense sci-fi episode that occurred but I'm sure I'm not the only girl who's worn these shoes.

To be more plan - the guy I fell for quit listening and communicating effectively. He shut off his heart and his mind. My guy, that guy who made me feel warm and fuzzy, would appear in short waves each day to remind me of all I want and deserve and yet...ever night, the monster would come out again and I'd find myself with him physically but so emotionally alone. It just happened that today I cracked, I wanted a hug, I wanted to tell my day and hear his, I wanted to share all the moments we missed out on with each other...but I once again - found myself alone and I cracked.

Yes, I'm one step closer to happily ever after, but it sure hurts to know that in some shape and form I had the love of my life...even if only for a few days.

Lindy's Landing

2009-07-12T15:30:00.001-07:00

Spent the weekend on a road trip. Went to Lindy's Landing on the Kings River last night. I'm a bit hungover from the experience. It was a good time. Staci and I met up with some strangers and sat around a campfire til way past my bed time. All the while, my boyfriend was hanging out with his ex. It wouldn't be a big deal but he has a way of saying things and doing things that hurt far more than they should. Originally last night he said he had told her that if she wanted to talk they could do it over the phone. Then about a half hour later he tells me he's meeting up with her. It's like he makes me feel so happy and proud to be with him and then he does a total 180 and leaves me feeling completely sunk.

I feel so stuck with him. Not stuck like I don't wanna be with him, but stuck like I can't feel things correctly with him, like he won't let me. Every time I start to think that this is it...the last guy I'll ever date and the guy I'll get my happily ever after with - he throws me under the train tracks. I wish I could say that it doesn't hurt, but it does. We've been together for just over three months and he's dumped me three times. How is it that I'm able to feel anything for someone who has no regard for me and can walk in and out of my life so easily? It's so frustrating because I want to be with him so badly and yet I'm not happy committing to someone who can't keep their feet on the ground. I need a rock, I need someone who loves me and is so firm in their feelings that no matter what I do or say they continue to feel that way. I don't need someone who doesn't tell me that they love me simply because I haven't said it to them. I need someone who knows their own feelings regardless of mine and is strong enough to stand by them.

I know that I get a little closer to that wonderful carriage ride into the sunset ever time I find someone new but...what happens when you want it but the other person can't give you that?

Moving Forward

2009-06-25T22:35:00.000-07:00

Steve and I are good - growing a lot individually and together.
Grandma started chemo again and although her first week was rough, this week went well. Tonight during a telephone conversation Grandma commented on Farrah Faucett's death. Farrah had cancer and Grandma said "I'm glad [she's gone]. She's in a better place and she suffered for so long." I needed to hear that! I needed to know that she's ok with whatever lies ahead, that cancer doesn't have to be about surviving but about trying to live the best quality of life you can for as long as you can.

Accessing the Self

2009-05-14T23:40:00.000-07:00

We're dating again but he's still very insecure and we fight a lot over that. I'm not sure I'm ready to be in a relationship. I'm not sure if I'm ready to commit to this unknown thing. Especially when the unknown seems to be so scared.

Understanding My Needs

2009-05-09T20:55:00.000-07:00

I'm finally figuring out what I want in a relationship. I want an equal, good listening, kind hearted, caring, affectionate, understanding man.
Someone who will not push me but who will meet me at the line when I push.
He dumped me today. It seemed like every weekend he'd pull back from me and pick a fight. He realized that he couldn't guarantee that it would get better and...I'm finally ok with holding firm on my needs.

Unexpected and Unwanted

2009-04-19T13:00:00.000-07:00

*(&! (*&! (*&! He's so wonderful. We went out last night and I drank WAY too much, ended up puking in the street. He stayed with me all night and even wanted to kiss me in the morning. SO I'm just getting into bed and who texts me? ---Brandon! My life is @&#(ed up! Brandon is being replaced and that's scary for me.

Adjusting to Reality

2009-04-07T11:34:00.000-07:00

I realized that I needed to suck it up. I shouldn't be with my guy every minute, it's not normal. So, I told him today how I felt - how when I don't see him often I get frustrated. He was extremely receptive. It sure was nice to finally have someone I'm with acknowledge my feelings! I'm scared, am I really ready to try this again?

Enough

2009-04-06T23:32:00.000-07:00

I'm dating someone new. He gives me a billion compliments and I like that. We've only been dating for less than a week but I feel like it's not enough. Is it taht I don't think he's enough or that I just want to rush trhough this phase into one that's more fulfulling? I'm getting frustrated because I can't figure it out - and of course when I'm upset I take it out on the dude. I'm sure he'll run soon - no one is ever strong enough to help me figure this out.

Returning to the Scene of the Crime

2009-04-02T21:36:00.000-07:00

Call it what you will but, I'm dating someone. We talked and we both agreed that we wanna give it a try. BARF! Talk about nervous. I don't do this well. I don't date. We all know what happened the last time I dated someone. Although in the long run I'm very happy that I ended up where I did - the short term was something I'm not able to handle again. Dating isn't my thing and this can only end badly but I suppose I'm returning to the scene of the crime for another look.

Contemplations From the Other Side

2009-03-30T21:18:00.001-07:00

I'm going to start dating again - maybe - someday! :) Ha!
Anyway, when I do, I'm going to start taking notes. The metaphor was used recently that for normal people, dating is the process of writing a report. Unforunately for me, dating has been an experiment and I haven't even bothered to take lab notes. Ha! Moving forward I'm going to at least try to take lab notes.

Male Counterpart

2009-03-26T20:55:00.001-07:00

I have met a man who is extremely like me. It's strange how I feel like I'm looking at a mirror. He does things in his life that remind me of me...two years ago. I've changed and don't really roll like that anymore but overall - it's rather entertaining to watch someone just like me.

Many Levels of Growth

2009-03-21T22:06:00.000-07:00

I had a great day! I learned some really amazing stuff about good manangement and leadership today. I had the priviledge of getting to work with Lee Scott of Unleashing Leaders. Everything he said seemed to new to me and yet it all hit the nail on the head. Amazing!

On a different note, I made a good stride in my personal life...I've been playing around with this guy and today I realized - hey..."he's just not that into me" and I've decided that I should probably ditch that and go find someone who actually gives a rat. WOW! I've never been able to do that, I've never been that girl, and yet - I am that girl, I am doing it and it feels like something I should have done a long time ago.

Artificial Turf

2009-03-18T20:19:00.001-07:00

Life has been busy and yet stable to some degree. My job is going great - most days I love it. I'm having a bit of a problem with one person at work but I'm going to do my best to make it work. My dating life is entertaining, not to the degree that it use to be, but I suppose everything in life is talking a calm right now. I need it!

St. Patty's weekend was great! Shannon came to visit and we spent a bit of time at the pub crawl. Unfortunately, I had partied WAY too hard the night before and was pretty toasted pretty quickly and we didn't stay out as late as we probably should have.

Guess it goes with the territory.

FAST Forward

2009-03-07T20:41:00.000-08:00

I need more time! I'm working full-time, attending school three nights a week and unfortunately...my part-time fun job is now starting to feel like work. I was planning to just kick back this weekend and get some good solid sleep, instead I've had to work out at the climbing course both days. No weekend at all! I need to find a way to slow things back down.

Good Books, Good Times

2009-02-22T18:32:00.000-08:00

I've read some really awesome books lately. Today I got the chance to sit by the fire (the first fire I've had in my new house) and read. It felt rustic sitting around with the rain outside. I certainly don't feel like sitting still long enough lately to do this very often so it's all the more meaningful when I get to.

Picking Up Speed

2009-02-19T20:55:00.000-08:00

Life is picking up speed again, but I'm trying very hard to keep things in control. My job is good, I'm very busy and there are days when the stress feels like it's overwhelming, but I'm learning to take things in stride and work with what I'm given. I can't wait until Stacey starts working with me, then after a long stressful day I can drag her out to Morrison's for a drink! Thank goodness for awesome girlfriends!
Today was my parents 30th anniversary. Isn't that amazing! I don't expect to ever celebrate such a thing, but I'm super proud of them and I'm certainly glad that I've been raised in such a stable and loving environment.

Another Rant

2009-02-12T10:59:00.000-08:00

When you go to work in the winter do you have to walk through ankle deep water? No? Then why should I?
If you were to find a stranger on the stress and ask them to walk through ankle deep water, would they? No? What if you paid them? Then why should I walk through ankle deep water for free? You make more money than me, you should be the one to courteously step in those puddles every day. Besides, afterall...aren't you the one who can better afford new shoes when your old ones get holes from being muddy and dirty? Aren't you the one who can afford to take a sick day when you have to go to the doctor as you suffer from trench foot?
Did my resume list me as a puddle jumper? I don't recall, if so, I need to update that. I have no long jumping experience and apologize for misleading you if I mentioned I did. I have played hopscotch and jumped rope, but I was 10 years younger and 70 pounds lighter.

Perhaps we should discuss paving the employee parking lot?

Moving Too Fast

2009-02-08T16:56:00.001-08:00

I'm moving too fast...again. I'm working full time, attending school in two different cities - of which, neither I live in and I'm not taking time for myself. This weekend, I thought I'd enjoy going to WROLC 2009 (Western Regional Outdoor Leadership C0nference) as my weekend adventures. Although it was fun and I found out a ton of new stuff, I really should have taken the time to stay at home and just relax.
I need to take a step back and remember the little things that are so much more meaningful when you actually create the time to see them.

Bummer

2009-01-30T22:06:00.000-08:00

Well, I lost my best friend today, although it has been a long time coming. Brian has been a great friend to me. He's always been a listening ear, he's always been very smart and filled with wonderful insight...yet...he never saw me and I struggled with this for a long time. When we dated I complained about this to Alena and we had long chats about what I could do differently. When we started being friends, I just figured...oh well...I've tried as hard as I can and there's no point in throwing more effort into it. Brian insists that I only see the bad in people. He thinks that I'm full of negative energy. Yet I was the only friend of his who bothered to contact him on his birthday - even though he didn't do the same for me. Negative? Ha! I have to laugh at that of course. I have to stop and think of Cinnamon and how she's told me time and again how people see in others the things they don't like in themselves. It would have bothered me that he said this but being that no one else in my life has ever said this...and when I mentioned it to a few friends and family members they laughed...I have to take it like a grain of salt.
My mother and I recently talked about Brian (last week) and how he probably wasn't going to be in my life much longer. It's been time (whether I wanted it to be or not) that Brian got out of his comfort zone and stopped spending time with me. I would always keep the door open for Brian as he's been my best friend, but at my mother and I chatted and...it was time that Brian found new friends, hobbies and grand ventures. I will say that in his finding these new ventures - I am so proud of him! He started taking classes at a local college, he told me he didn't want to hang out with me but rather some other friends, and he started doing...things. Things he could share and talk about with me that didn't actually have to involve me. Things that weren't work related or work centered. In this he became a real friend to me, he stopped being clingy Brian who would have his feelings hurt when I had other plans and couldn't hang out with him, and he started being Brian again - the guy I first met.

I've lost friends before and I always say that friends come and go, that's the way the world works. They come into your life to show you something and they leave when that's completed. To this I would like to add that Brian has taught me a lot. He changed my life. Without him I never would have started my dog rescue which became something so much bigger and better than I ever could have expected. I never would have saved so many lives. I never would have moved into a little ghetto apartment and then into a real home. I never would have had a wake up call that made me get out into the world and start experiencing things - like climbing, yoga, rafting, snowboarding...if it wasn't for him. I'd probably still be living in my little apartment on Watt with my dog, watching TV alone at night after cooking exotic meals and working crazy hours. Perhaps the most important thing that Brian taught me was that the towels don't have to be perfect, this has become a metaphor for my life and so much more.

It's sad to lose a friend, especially a best friend, but because of Brian, I am taking something away from this friendship that I have never had before. For that, I am supremely grateful.

Somewhat Expected Drama

2009-01-24T11:31:00.000-08:00

My brother has never had his life in good shape but sometimes he makes really stupid decision that just continue to drag him further down.
Consider this - my brother has been fired from at least three jobs, including a position at Wal-Mart. My brother has been evicted from two apartments. My brother had four unexpected children with his wife.
When Kevin and his wife split up about a year ago, things started to spin in some strange directions. First, Kevin lost his apartment because it was a one bedroom and five people (himself and his four kids) couldn't live there. So he moved in with my Grandma. She kindly allowed him to live in her house with his small mob of children, rent free and she provided free babysitting. My Grandmother didn't like the way that his new girlfriend treated the kids like her own so she asked that she not come over any more...needless to say, the drama started.
The new girlfriend then began to harass my mother via email. My mom stayed polite and figured it would pass...it didn't.
Well yesterday the new girlfriend yelled at my Grandma via telephone so my Grandma finally had enough and told my brother he was no long welcome to live at her house, his kids were welcome to stay - but he was not.
My mother is having a hard time as a result. She believes that the new girlfriend is trying to alienate my brother from the family that she she will no longer get to see the kids. She's terribly upset over the whole thing. I spent yesterday with her, letting her cry and tell me how she was feeling. It was hard to listen to but at the same time, my brother has to grow up.
My mother has said that she too is no longer going to give to my brother. This means that she is not going to pay his car payment, his car insurance and she is no longer going to take his kids to and from school. Kevin and his new girlfriend are going to have to figure it out on their own. She wants them to understand everything that people around them are doing for them out of the goodness of their hearts. Kevin seems to think that the stuff they are doing for him are things that he is entitled to. My mom is worried about the kids of course, as am I. Skyler loves her more than anyone in his life. He's made that clear. She's been the only stable person he has and she's provided him with so much...yet...in order to hopefully help my brother long term, she must step back and deal with the pain for...what I hope will only be a little while.

Energy

2009-01-13T09:53:00.001-08:00

Once again I will stress the power of the energy you put into the world. I have been sitting next to an individual at work for nearly a month now and every day this individual is upset and frustrated at something. Her energy radiates over to my desk on a constant basis. She may not realize it but the negative energy she puts off makes me angry in return. I get frustrated with her easily and don't feel like pursuing communication with her. This only reminds me more and more of the fact that I need to be constantly aware of my own energy.

WTF am I thinking!

2009-01-07T17:54:00.000-08:00

I can't get Brandon out of my head today. I keep thinking of him and just can't shake it! What is wrong with me. He's terrible for me! Horrible! And yet, it's strange how much I miss him when he's not around. He's definitely kryptonite.
I had made the decision some time ago that I wasn't going to play his game any more but it just isn't working. Sure I deleted his number and haven't talked to him since but every day that goes by, the gravitational pull gets just a little stronger. Am I in love? I mean, I know I am in a way, but it is the right way or the way that only hurts you?
I was so excited when I figured out how much I truly cared for him and couldn't wait to express it...but I never got the chance because he shot me down - hard and fast. Do I move on or do I keep attempting, and if I keep attempting...for how long?

The Hearing

2009-01-06T12:35:00.001-08:00

I had my EDD hearing today. I was so scared. I took a Klonopin before going because I though I might loooooose my mind. I did great, I'm so proud! I didn't cry and I didn't throw up. I kept my cool and made my case clear.
When I got there I though I was gonna melt. Strangely, a complete stranger caught my eye. I sat down next to her and told her how scared I was. She helped me so much. I wish I knew who she was so I could thank her. She made a huge difference on my day. It's amazing how someone you don't know can enter your life for only a few brief seconds and change the entire course of your day.

Pray For Me

2009-01-05T09:25:00.001-08:00

Start praying now, please. Tomorrow I have my hearing at the EDD department with April. I'm terrified. I can't imagine standing in a room with her again. It's strange but I feel scared of her, scared...how is that possible as an adult to be scared of another individual?
I'm praying that good will concur. I know that my heart is good and hers is not so all I have to do is pray. Please please pray for me. Pray that I'll have strength enough to stand there tall and strong without crying. Pray that the outcome will be good. Pray!

2008 and the Future

2008-12-31T19:12:00.000-08:00

I have grown emotionally and spiritually more this year than any other thus far. For that, I am the MOST grateful. I certainly have had the hardest moments of my life this year, but as a result I have learned to live every day to the fullest and to love with all I have to give.

This year, I actually made friends. Friends I expect to have a lifetime. Nicole and Stacey - I am grateful for you both. In addition, I met Brad who then introduced me to my second family - Peak Adventures; for this, I am speechless. In addition, I have made numerous new companions including Stan and Felix who were both very instrumental in cementing myself within the things I've learned this year.

I am grateful for Cinnamon who helped me through the hardest days and never let me forget them. I am grateful for Candace who continues to be patient with my learning and growth and work with me to find the perfect answers.

Above all else (and anyone and everyone who knows me knows this) I am SO GRATEFUL that I have my Grandma this year. Her battle with cancer was won bravely and with courage I've never seen or imagined before. Although I've always considered her my hero, I never imagined that she wouldn't be in my life. Her cancer caused me to wake up and realize just how precious life is. As a result, I have gotten to know her better and have had the privilege of spending many great hours talking about life.

I've learned what it means to live in the now, just how valuable a good job truly is, where to go when in need of healing, how to find a center within myself...I could keep going for hours. There is just now way to express accurately how much this year has meant to me.

On a side note - a few "big" moments in my life this year include:
* Quitting animal rescue and turning over my 501(c)(3)
* Getting roommates
* Getting robbed
* Finding out my Grandma has cancers
* Finding out my sister-in-law was arrested
* Finding out my cousin was arrested
* Hooking up yet again with Brandon
* Watching Brandon run away, yet again
* Getting fired
* Experiencing the outdoors for the first time in my adult life

Holiday Health

2008-12-24T23:33:00.000-08:00

Things are good...very good. Every holiday that I get with my Grandma right now sure seems like a blessing!! I'm so grateful.
I have a lot of thoughts going on right now...
1. Someone smart brought something to light for me yesterday and it's really made me smile. It's taking me a while to find a "real job" right now because it's going to be the right now. Whatever it is that I finally decide to do as a career is going to come, that's why things are going slow right now, because they have to in order for the right thing to walk along.
2. The hearing for my EDD trial has been set and I've been majorly stressing about having to stand in the same room as my old boss and not break down sobbing. That woman was so abusive that I'm literally scared...silly huh.
3. I'm happy. Not ecstatic like I've often been found to be in the past, but happy. Things are good, I'm on a solid path with a slight incline and I expect that somewhere in the future there is going to be a very big mountain.

Transference of Energy

2008-12-14T22:26:00.000-08:00

I realized today that I have been forgetting to live in the now far too often. I'm going to keep a close eye on myself and make sure that I maintain "now-ness".

Remember that whole theory on energy I had...you know, where you expell the same energy that world returns to you. I really need to improve the energy I'm giving off! This morning I got up and went to the gas station. A man appeared to be waving at me, I assumed he had mistake me for someone else. No...he came up to my car and I rolled down the window. He then attempted to tell me in broken English that he is from Mexico, does not speak good English but wanted my telephone number. Mind you this man was old enough to be my father. I, of course, told him no. Yuck...I walked away thinking, what the hell sort of people am I attracting here!!!

My day went well from there; however, tonight I was sitting on my couch in the living room playing around on my laptop. Until...suddenly...it burst into flames! No joke! My laptop caught on fire. WTF?

Whatever energy I'm sending out into the world that is coming back around to me, is not good energy and I have some serious rethinking to do.

Still Finding the Missing

2008-12-11T20:22:00.000-08:00

I'm still finding stuff that was stolen by Diana when she moved out. That bitch!!! Today I realized that she stole one of my dresses. A new one that I bought when we went shopping together. THAT BITCH! I can't emphasize that enough. The part that bugs me the most is that she couldn't even fit into my clothing so why would you take something like that - just to give it to a friend as a gift later? I know that Karma will get her but at the same time, I feel rage at the fact that she took stuff that wasn't hers. I did file a police report and never heard anything - I think I may follow up on that tomorrow as something should have been done and if nothing was then I want to voice my opinion about that.

Controversy

2008-12-10T19:56:00.000-08:00

After a long night last night I got home and called my buddy Brian. I wanted his opinion on something. At the end of the day I had come to a conclusion about a situation and found that I was the only one who felt the way that I did. Thank goodness that after a short conversation with Brian, my faith in mankind was restored. Although Brian and I don't always agree on controversial issues, there are some fundamental ideas that we have in common and that is what makes Brian one of my best friends.

Amazing Human Feats

2008-12-07T13:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I attended the North Face Endurance Challenge. A 50 mile race near Rodeo Beach. I am amazed to say that I saw one man complete a 50 mile run in 6 hours. He was clearly drained and exhausted beyond anything I've ever seen - but WOW, what an amazing man! He was probably in his 50's. It of course was very inspiring so today I decided to sign up for a 5k, nothing in comparison but something I know that I could do and maybe progress from. I'd love to run a 10k or even a marathon at some point and now is a fine time to start.

Oh, have I mentioned that Brandon has been on my mind a lot lately. Yesterday I met a total smoking hot guy and was nearly drooling over him - I realized that Brandon is my type. I do have a type!! I'm kinda excited to say that. I have a tendency to like guys with distinct features - this up turned nose, dark hair with some degree of a receding hairline, blue eyes and a strong jaw bone. Oy! I may not be dating but I sure can stare and gawk from afar.

Linked Minds

2008-12-05T21:40:00.000-08:00

I have this incredible relationship with my mother. We're like best friends and yet, not...she always says that we're like the Gilmore Girls. I enjoy her company and strangely when I think of something, she tends to be thinking the same thing. Today she said - all I want for my birthday is some more sweet pea hand lotion. I had to laugh because for her birthday I got her a basket of all the sweet pea products! Ha! Go figure! Some people think that being like their mother is a bad thing - I certainly don't. I think it's rather strange but I think that it just goes to show the bond that we have.

On a different note, tomorrow is the North Face Endurance Challenge. It's a marathon down in San Francisco. I'm excited. I'm getting up at 6am to shuttle down there with a crew of five guys. I didn't realize til today that I would be spending my day with all men until I was talking with my parents and realized that no other gals were going. Gosh, does that make me a tomboy??

Still Searching

2008-12-01T20:03:00.000-08:00

Today I got up and put up the Christmas tree, decorated it, painted parts of the house, went to a job interview, and then came home to bake some cookies. Busy, busy! Now I'm sitting in a quiet house watching a silly TV show. It's strange how I haven't really been alone at all today and yet I'm feeling lonely. I feel like there is something missing, something that I should be out there searching for...it's confusing to me and yet instead of trying to figure it all out, I find myself attempting to create my own destractions.

Reflections

2008-11-23T20:33:00.000-08:00

I miss Felix. The conversations we'd have were all too awesome. I miss sitting on my porch and just chatting with him.

On a more positive note, I'm thankful. I'm very thankful for all the things I have in my life. With a special thought on my Grandmother, my family, Stacey, Nicole, Elisha, my great roomies, my awesome dog, my great friend Brian, Peak Adventures, my friends (in general), my ability to pay my bills, my car that runs great, the roof over my head, and so much more!!!

Trouper

2008-11-22T18:42:00.001-08:00

My Grandmother made it through Chemo and we're all excited to say that she has only a pea-sized piece of cancer left. It's in the bone on her chest and she'll need to do 10 days of radiation to try and get rid of it, but we're all very glad that everything else has cleared up and she's definitely going to be getting better very soon! My biggest concern is with the recurrance rate on her specific type of cancer. The statistics are scary but I must say that knowing I have her for at least one more Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthday sure do make me warm inside. She's such a huge piece of me.

Although I've sworn off all contact with Brandon, I realize that he may still try to contact me. If he does I've also decided on some conditions that I need met before I'm willing to start talking with him again. I need him to:
1- Try some hobbies together (spend time with me doing fun things, things that I like - climbing, hiking, rafting and such)
2- Check out my friends (in the past he hasn't always like my friends so I'd like to introduce him to my crowd and see how he reacts - I definitely place my friends above any guy and I need to know that he's okay with them)
3- Give us a chance (I need him to actually make an attempt at something with me. No more walls for either of us. Maybe it will last a week or maybe a month but I need it to be real and I need to know that least we tried).

I've been reading some really great books lately. I love reading! When I find a good book that makes me stay up reading until 1am (like last night) when I have to wake up at 8am the next morning - that reminds me of why I decided that English was passion.

Dog Sitting

2008-11-18T18:32:00.000-08:00

Starting tonight I'm staying over at a total strangers house. I'm dog sitting. The dog is a little insane so this is going to be a rather tough venture. It's a German Shepard who thinks I'm made for biting and humping. I'll be with him every night for a week. Let's see if I can make a difference. I know that Chewy will not be happy that I'm not spending the evenings with him but I do plan to make sure I spend as much time as possible at home.

On a different note, we find out tomorrow how the chemo has worked on my Grandma. We're all hoping for the best!!

Hiking

2008-11-17T21:40:00.000-08:00

Went on a long long hike today with Chewy, Wally and Beaver. It probably wasn't really that long but didn't start on the trail until about 3pm and then made it to the destination around 5:30pm. Yikes! It started to get dark. We decided to take the less steep but much longer trail out of the site. To my chagrin we ended up in the forest in the pitch black. Thank God I had a flashlight. So, we ended up hittin' the trail in the dark. About half way down the path, I stepped on something furry and LARGE. Being that it was dark and I damn near screamed to death...it ran off and I was able to continue. Overall, a good hike...shouldn't started earlier in the day though. Glad I made it out alive!

2008-11-15T13:33:00.000-08:00

My mind reels...I still feel very guilty and stupid over the whole incident. I keep beating myself up for several levels of the event. Definitely the obvious but also the acting stupid and the not being open in the end. I'm frustrated with myself since I still want to be with him in the way we've always been together - yet I know with CERTAINTY that I can't want that for myself. I'm better than this. So why do I want something that is so bad for me?

In an attempt to be destracted I went out for dinner with Fernando last night. It was strange to be sitting at a table across from him. I realized that the friendship we had six years ago is definitely long gone - he's not someone I really know any more. I also sat across from him thinking, I would way rather be having dinner with Brian. Brian is a mental equal to me in some ways (not all). He can carry a deep conversation with logic, knowledge and understanding. Where as Fernando is very superficial. I never really noticed that back when. I guess as we get older we realize new things and learn to leave behind the old and move onto the new.

Ultimately, I suppose my dinner with Fernando was not a distraction but rather a further realization of what I already know. That I have to move on. That I have accept the path that I'm on and I have to stand strong in making sure that I am getting the best things for me right now.

Tough Knocks

2008-11-13T15:13:00.000-08:00

I did something I shouldn't have, something high school-ish and stupid and of course it's come around to bite me in the ass. Worst part is that this ass biting is really making me think.
I have a really big decision to make and I need to do it. I've been dragging my feet and making excuses for myself and I've got to stop. I have to do this!!!
About a month ago Cinnamon and I were talking about a boy. This boy has become a vested interest of mine. He's been around and not around, but ultimately I seem to think that there was always something worth saving there. In talking with her, we decided that maybe really there wasn't anything there. Maybe what I always was gaining from him was knowledge. He always taught me stuff. New and exciting things. But...we agreed that maybe he doesn't have anything more to teach me. In which case, I really can't hold on any longer. I have to cut him out.
This may be one of the hardest things I've ever done. It may be the most emotionally painful experience I've ever been through but I know I'll come out better in the end.

I spoke with Elisha about this today, when I finally realized I had a decision to make and she said that she truly believes that 23-30 are the hardest years of your life. I'm starting to think that. After all, in December (the month I turned 23 in) I got dumped and things have been changing ever since. Change is hard!! The outcomes are far better than I could ever expect and I've learned SO much in just a short period of time. But gosh, change hurts and it's hard and it's draining and more than anything...it's scary.

I've deleted his telephone numbers from my cell phone, I've deleted all our old texts and emails, and I took that one little piece of paper from my book that had his number on it and I fed it through the garbage disposal. I have to stop this! I have to become the stronger person and I have to be able to say for me when enough is enough! I may cry for the next five hours but I'll come out better - stronger - wiser - intact.

Weekend Fun

2008-11-10T16:04:00.001-08:00

I went camping this weekend. A group of 9 of us went out to Point Reyes. We all had on backpacks that weighted at least 15 pounds and we set off on our hike. We hiked 3 miles up hill to a neat little beach area. We camped out, in the rain, without fire for the night. Those who didn't pack well sure regretted it.
I kept dry which was better than most. Although after the first big wind storm my tent died and I had to jump in bed with Jeff. His tent did great though! I woke up warm and dry.
Overall the trip was a total blast! We had a good time, saw some cool stuff, spent time on the beach, flew a few kites and did a TON of hiking. Two thumbs up!

Comparison

2008-11-06T22:33:00.001-08:00

The reasons that my dog is better than a baby:
1. My dog doesn't wet the bed.
2. My dog doesn't make a mess when eating.
3. I can take a shower without my dog destroying anything.
4. I can take a nap while my dog is awake.
5. My dog doesn't require constant supervision.
6. My dog doesn't have diapers that have to be changed every 30 minutes.
7. My dog doesn't need to change clothes everytime he falls down in the mud.
8. I don't have to bathe my dog every day.
9. My dog doesn't wake up at 6am.
10. Having a dog doesn't mean that I have to give up my social life!!!

As you can tell, I had a baby experience. I had my niece Ashleigh for 24 hours and it was the longest, most exhausting and amazing span of time. I sure do love my Chewy!!!

Life in Motion

2008-11-01T21:38:00.001-07:00

My brother and his wife are going through a divorce, he filed paperwork back in April. At the time we were all very mad at him. He has four kids with this woman and wasn't making any effort at saving what they had. Unfortunately, it seems my brother made a very wise choice. My sister-in-law, Julie, was arrested on Wednesday for possession, trafficking and sale of meth.
My heart bleeds!! She's a good person at heart, she's young and hasn't had it easy. I don't think she was doing whatever it was she was doing because she's a bad person. I think either she needed money or she was trying to impress someone or was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
My brother is now filing for full custody of the children. It hurts me to think that she won't be able to see them. Julie has been a very big part of my life. She came onto the scene when I was 15 and really helped my brother to grow up. Kevin was always so immature and she helped to make him more of an adult. When Julie first got pregnant with Skyler she was 17. I had no idea just how much she would come to mean to me. She gave my family Skyler, Elizabeth, William and Ashleigh - these babies mean SO much to all of us. Being that Julie is the mother of them, she means a lot to us too. I personally have a very sincere love for her. She's been a sister to me a way. It's like we were super close but she'd call more than my brother and she's always been very approchable.
Again, my heart just aches for her. Although my brother wants full custody we all think it's still important that she gets to see them. The kids need a mom and she's not a bad person - she's just made some really poor choices. I hope this will be a wake up call for her and that she'll make the effort that is needed to change her life for the better.

Angry

2008-10-26T19:55:00.000-07:00

I'm angry at Brandon for coming back when he wasn't ready to really come back. Remember when he went through the whole "I need some time alone" line. Well then he got a girlfriend. Then he came back even though he had a girlfriend, now he's gone again...in less than three weeks. It makes me angry that he thinks he can show up and go away so easily. Next time he surfaces, I'm not so sure I'm gonna be available. I'm rather frustrated at the whole situation.

The Little Moments

2008-10-21T18:49:00.000-07:00

We must always remember to cherish those little moments. Those moments are different for everyone. Today I want to remind myself of a few:
Spending time with my Grandma in chemo
Listening to my nephew tell me about school
Knowing that my mom and dad fully believe in me

Some days you absolutely have to take those moments and hold them tight. Today I worked with a group of 38 middle school students. It was rough, really rough for me. I don't have the patience that I once did. I get frustrated rather easily by children I know aren't being themselves and are trying too hard. Being that I spent 7 hours with these youngsters, my mood for the day was pretty much shot. Then I got a phone call that really bothered me.
My old boss is protesting my unemployment. She is claiming that I was dishonest and a distraction to other employees. I knew she was going to protest the unemployment, she had said she was going to, but it just feels low...even for her. So at the end of a rather rough day, I was more than irked to know that this was going on too.

So, although I have all this boiling up stress - I can remember these great moments and hold them close enough to help me get through another battle and come out stronger.

Short and To The Point

2008-10-15T22:02:00.001-07:00

I spent my day with the Army Corp of Engineers helping to facilitate a leadership program for them on the ropes course. It was a fun day and I learned a ton.

As for self discovery, I still feel like I'm learning something new about myself everyday. Today I took the time to sit down and think a little about my goals. I started with one year, five year and future. I was able to get some really concrete stuff on paper. Just cause it's there doesn't mean I can't change my mind, it just means that I'm aware of those goals and striving toward something.

Fresh Air

2008-10-12T21:32:00.001-07:00

I've had a long long long two days. I've been dealing with some big ideas within my head and letting my heart run wild. But to put a nice end to a long weekend, Brian called tonight and we talked politics. If I haven't said it before, Brian is one smart cookie (sometimes...hahaha). Although I don't always agree with his decision, I have faith that if he doesn't now something he'll go that extra step to learn it. Anyway, after being stressed all weekend, getting to have a nice normal conversation with someone sure was nice. Now I can go to bed with peace of mind.

Grounding

2008-10-09T23:33:00.001-07:00

I'm in this really strange and scary place of self discovery, a level of it that many people never even get to. But I'm there and I'm learning and trying and waiting for something great to be revealed to me. But what I forget is that it comes in small glimpses of perfection. Tiny moments of being present, real and open. I had a few of those tonight.
The first one was at Sweetwater, a local stomping ground. A group of about 40 of us Peakies were there to wish Andrea (the marketing director) farewell. My perfect moment happened when I was sitting next to Brad, Taylor, Mark, and Joslyn and I looked around the room. It was a group of 40 people I know, I love and respect. People who have mutual feelings for me as well. It was strange to be in a room and look around and feel like you're with family...maybe not even feel - know. Knowing that everyone in that room would be there to support me if I ever needed them. Knowing that we could name every person who wasn't there and know that they were with us in spirit. Knowing that I have this amazing group of friends, larger and stronger than I ever expected. It was extremely powerful! All day I had been stressing about an issue, an issue I had got myself caught up in and couldn't let my head release. But this moment brought me back down to earth and grounded me.
After dinner I had another perfect moment...one that I'm not going to get into details over because the details don't matter all that much to anyone other than me. But, it was a moment in a setting that I didn't expect, with a person I didn't expect, doing nothing really...but being together in a real moment.

Listening

2008-10-08T23:06:00.000-07:00

The idea of listening to my heart is rather complicated and scary. At first I thought, well that's just silly - I don't have a heart. Now I'm starting to realize that my heart and my head talk at once and figuring out the answer is the hard part.
Well, to my perplexing dilemma as of late...I have heard the answer and must must must must must trust my heart and move forward with me. It will be tough, it will be painful, slow and scary but what comes out on the other side is still whole and still very much me.

B I N G O

2008-10-05T17:37:00.000-07:00

At a party on Friday I met a great sparing partner. He seemed to have incredible insight and totally blew my mind to tiny bits on subjects such as Stan, Brandon, and ... others... Although I didn't reflect on his comments immediately (too drunk) or the next day (still too drunk), I did generically start thinking about things and I have figured something out. I need to perform men assessments before progressing with guys. What does that mean? It means that upon meeting a guy of interest I need to step back and take the time to ask him:
1. What are you expecting to get out of this?
2. How long are you gonna be interested in keeping me around?
3. What will happen if either of these changes?
This man assessment sure would make my mind a little more clear.
As for question 1: Example, are you looking for a relationship? a friend? something in the middle? Knowing this up front helps me to assess if I'm interested in the same goal or not.
As for question 2: Example, a guy likes me but I'm not sure if I like him or if I just like making out with him. I toy with myself as to whether I like him or not. I can't figure it out and in my head I keep saying no it's just make out, no, no (a mental process I use to try and make myself not like...umm...most all guys) he loses interest. Then the question is, was it because I wasn't interested? It's believed that this happened recently and my reaction is...simply...grrrr...I'm frustrated with myself for not knowing myself better and expressing that early on. As for question 3: I need to ask this upfront so that I can left that I don't get it guard down. Normally I spend way too much time trying to get "hints" that aren't even there most of the time. Well, if I know that he's going to be honest with me and upfront, I can work on letting myself trust that. I just struggle because I'm extremely honest and when I'm not interested I make it clear and I'm more than happy to say why. Where as most men make excuses and this simply confuses the shit out of me.

Anyway, the assessment should be put into place. Whether it is or not, we'll just have to see...

Perplexing Situtation Solved

2008-10-02T06:55:00.000-07:00

I spent last night with Cinnamon who solved my many confusions. Ha!
Apparently, I am in fact ready for a relationship...it just has to be the right one and on my terms. I've gotten pushed around too much for me to feel confident that I can do it again. Ultimately it comes down to that very dirty T word, trust. I have to start trusting in myself more and taking the time to see what it is I want, really want, not just what I say I want at that moment.

As for my confusion over him...well, why fix what's not broken? Great advice right. For some reason I really started to think that maybe I should step up to the plate and make a go at a relationship with him. Cinnamon steered me clear of that. She reminded me that yes, he does in fact keep me sane, not the opposite and for some reason when my mind starts spinning, he's the place that stops it.
Strangely he came over last night and we had a beer. Just hung out and had a drink, chatted it up. It was a little nerve wracking for me since it made me start thinking that maybe we were ready to give a relationship a go. After all, this was more effort than either of us had ever thrown in before. Yet, the ground has been found and I'm okay with where things are, in fact I like them enough to keep them that way.

Perplexed

2008-10-01T16:01:00.001-07:00

I have got to figure some shit out!! I've been toying with this problem for a few weeks now. The new guy is fine (technically speaking)...but I don't feel like I'm getting good quality or what I want ultimately. I think that's because I've been spoiled by...HIM! Do I dare go backwards? The Wise One told me absolutely not...but he keeps me sane. Or is he the reason I'm not sane to begin with...hahaha!
We talked recently and he said we don't really have a friendship. I've been thinking a lot about this. It's been five years, I suppose...good years even, we're going on six years this month. Ha! I have to laugh at the fact that we met by such random chance and the friend who introduced us is long gone but we've managed to stay just as close. I've kinda set the standard based on him (at least in part or maybe more than part) and now I'm starting to wondering if maybe...just maybe...I don't even wanna write it, writing it - like saying it, makes it real. My gut is totally in my stomach...do you ever toy with yourself, do it, don't do it, do it...DON'T DO IT!
I think we're both just so much alike that it's a problem. We're both totally fucked up and we aren't meant to be in relationships. Ha! I just wonder if after six years we ought to try something, something real...and yet....I don't want to because what we have is something that I don't want to lose. Is that what he's dealing with too? Besides it's all fun right now and would it be fun if we felt trapped? Certainly not.
But I keep coming back to the six years factor. We've seen each other through a lot, the death of family members, our vast random "relationships" or non-relationships as we call them, moves, jobs, hobbies, and overall growth. We do have a friendship!!! Aha! I have found the light! Now what? Nothing, now I close the writing page and get back to the routine...new guy, old guy, friends, friends, friends.

Oh Great Mind

2008-09-29T10:52:00.000-07:00

I have this dilemma, I can choose path 1 and make myself very happy for a very short while and bring upon myself some scary karma. Or I could choose path 2 and be antsy and grouchy for about two months at which time that will subside and the world will return to normal keeping myself in good karma order.
Being that I am having a really hard time making this decision on my own, I called upon the great wise one. Oh great wise one said that I must choose the path or right, path 2. I have great faith in the decisions of wise one...now I have to find the power within myself to make this happen. AHHH!!! That's the hard part.

Rotten

2008-09-28T18:46:00.000-07:00

Then I decided to call home and check in on the days events. Not a smart move. Apparently my brother and his wife (mind you they're in the middle of a divorce) got into a fight. His wife was upset that my brother is taking their kids over to his new girlfriend's house. Being that my brother hates being told what he can and can't do, he apparently got upset and told her that "he can do whatever he wants when he has the kids" to which she then told the children "say goodbye to your daddy cause you might not be seeing him for a while." Good gracious! I get both sides of the issue. She's hurt...I don't blame her. My brother feels a right of ownership...ultimately I don't care how they feel, I just worry about those kids. It's entirely unfair to put them in the middle of this! Fight with each other, fine...gouge each others eyes out...but don't fight in front of the kids or about the kids...it's simply not fair!!! Yet when I said this to my father, he responded with "life's not fair, you're brother has made stupid decisions and someone has to pay for them." I know...I know...I know! I just hope that through all of this my nieces and nephews will come through smarter and better off. I hope that they don't get damaged by their parents mistake but rather become better people because of it.

Pushing the Limit

2008-09-27T20:33:00.000-07:00

My body was pushed too far today, and for that...I must apologize. I got up this morning at 8am to get ready to go out for my day. Yes, I woke up with a 100.2 fever, but what the heck...I've been sick for three days and I refuse to keep being sick. So, I got my vest out and all my gear and went rafting. STUPID MOVE!! I sat at the guide stick and was exhausted after only five minutes. I was having to work my body when all it wanted to do was curl up in bed and get better.
So, from today I've learned, be kinder to my body...yet, tomorrow I will get up at 7am, put on my pack and grab my gear and go hit a wall of rocks...(that's what you get when you commit to something and feel like you just shouldn't go back on your word)...

Ventures

2008-09-23T19:10:00.000-07:00

Went out with a new guy last night...I had an okay night, could have been better, could have been worse...it's to be determined...holds much potential.

Work is getting rough. I need to find a new job. My boss is getting more and more aggressive. She blew up today at me and I'm not sure how much longer I can just sit there and take it. It really has an effect on my whole day. I felt so drained of all emotion and ready to just cry...even now...when I've been out of work for nearly five hours, I can't stop thinking about work because it's so intense when I'm there. That's not acceptable!

On a different note, my Grandma is starting to lose her hair. It's hard for me to see her like this. She's always been so strong and she's still being strong, it just hurts my heart. She absolutely must make it through this, she holds so much of my heart.

Jobs

2008-09-20T08:09:00.000-07:00

I need a new job...stat!!! It's terrible that when I wake up on a Saturday the first thing I think about is work. I've had a rough week with work - my boss is yelling again and of course I'm taking a major beating. I'm tired of feeling abused at work. If it's not one thing, it's something else. For example - she started to yell at me about one thing and when I didn't show a reaction (mind you I was trying really hard not to listen because she was being really mean and in my face) she got mad at me for having no emotion. What the heck!!!

So, I'm sending out my resume like a fiend, I just need to find something...anything...now!

The Self We Invision

2008-09-14T18:19:00.000-07:00

Reminder to self: must keep two feet on the ground, ass in the chair, head on the shoulders!

Warning: Extremely personal and heartfelt. Read with sensitivity.

There's a lot going on in my mind right now. As some of you may know, I was "seeing" someone for about a month recently and it ended quick...like instantly. This situation brought up a lot of feelings, emotions, thoughts, struggles within me. Very much a personal issue and completely unrelated to this individual. Please pardon the lack of transitions in this tale...

I was reminded this week upon the abrupt end of this..."relationship" (mind you it was never official) why I don't date. I removed myself from the dating scene in January of this year and have not had a single relationship since. At the time, it seemed appropriate to focus on my own mental health. To which I have since spent extensive time attempting to better understand myself and get in touch with my soul. Some where along the line of my life, my mind took over and my soul took second place. In the course of several months I learned much about myself. I also learned many things about my failed relationships (both platonic and not). I also began a journey to find the voice within me, one that I don't remember ever hearing. Some said you have to stop listening to your mind and listen to your heart/soul. I hate this saying, it's all too touchy of a subject for me. I'm not sure I have one...I am taking a giant leap of faith in saying...I believe I have this within me and I am DETERMINED to find it and hear it speak.

Since my journey in January began, I lost sight of what I was seeking. I believe this happened in about July when I became restless and began to take too much pride in my new found knowledge (which included both emotional, mental and physical sensations that I had never experienced and had been numb to). I hadn't intended on dating anyone, yet this amazing guy fell into my lap and I had no ability to walk away...even though the relationship ended, I am taking SO much away from it.

I have been reminded that I am not ready to date. Not at all!! I am reminded of my goal for myself and why I started out on this journey in January, which I so welcome to begin again. I have much to learn...so much! I told a friend in January that I felt behind, like my eyes were opened and all of a sudden I realized that the world had passed me by. I lost sight of my goals. Goals for my heart and soul that I need to return to attending to. That means no, I can't date. I'm not ready. I need to make sure that I have more time in nature, more time to feel my body and know what it can and can't do, more time to try new things and success or not, but most importantly more time to consider my boundaries, my morals, my beliefs and how I can be present in every situation while maintaining that integrity.

Adrenaline

2008-09-13T17:04:00.000-07:00

Had a good day, I got the privilege of spending my entire day with Peak. It was delightful. I got to climb, chat, enjoy people and places. It was rockin!!! I also got to try walking across a balance beam that was WAY up in the air. It was so intense. It's one of those things where you learn about yourself through the experiences that you take in. Intense for sure, adrenaline not in shortage, life expectancy shrinking...oh well... :)

On another note, my health has taken a turn for scary again. I have some more tests on Tuesday to figure some new stuff out but spent last night on the phone with a nurse and apparently I'm not suppose to wait til Tuesday...grr...I'm so tired of tests and feeling sick and...all of it. My mother is of course, flippin' out and trying to come stay with me, to which I simply refuse. I'm a big girl and although I love having her around, there are major issues at home that need more immediate attention - like my Grandma. It puts my mind at ease knowing that my family is there to make sure she's doing okay. Forget about me, deal with those I love because without them, I just don't know where I'd be...

Getting What You Want

2008-09-11T09:08:00.000-07:00

Life seems to send you what is best for you...and well...it did it again. I had been hesitating with some stuff in my life and it was like...a can opened and the universe fixed it for me.
Do you ever wonder what's you're calling? What are you suppose to be doing...I wonder a lot and although I don't know...I'm beginning to have more faith that whatever it is, it will find me. Seeking doesn't work, you have sit back and let things play out the way they do and just know that the best thing that is possible will happen...

School Decreases Sanity

2008-09-09T10:17:00.000-07:00

I'm going to officially claim that school causes me to lose touch with reality. For some reason, I feel like all things that have been changing within me for the better are slipping. I feel like I'm slowly losing my sanity again. It's rather scary! I can feel the spinning starting again, I don't feel like I have two feet on the ground, my ass in the chair and my head on my shoulders. How do I get back there?
Camp? It seems that nature provides me with that sanity that I need. Perhaps I've been too busy to find time to run away into the wild by myself and just...breathe! Whatever happened to people becoming recluses? I'd love to have a little cabin in the woods where I could hide out for a week or two and just write and read. You know, the old style English lover (not the uni bomber).

Needs

2008-09-06T19:21:00.000-07:00

What am I looking for? That determines the standards. Am I looking for something long term or short? If long, what is it taht has lacked in all my relationships? There's a piece I don't now how to idenfity...
Short term, for some reason seems to be...not enough. Although my goals are much more clearly defined. No in order but certainly:
1. Must have a job
2. Must not live with parents
3. Must be smart and able to carry a conversation
4. Must be outgoing and goal oriented
5. Must be willing to accept my family and respect the value they bring to my life
6. Must respect me!! (you know - return phone calls in a timely manner, include me in outtings and activities, want to spend time around me, make a effort at making me happy)

That Famous Word: Integrity

2008-08-31T12:54:00.001-07:00

I've been told time and time again that I have great integrity...at first I didn't understand much about this word, of course I looked it up...and I decided that I still don't think I really understand it.

Right now, I'm struggling with integrity in dating. What is my personal moral feeling when dating? What do I consider acceptable and not (both for myself and the other party)?

I've been "dating" (mind you I hate dating so I'm not really calling it that) this individual who officially makes me feel sick to my stomach over myself. I know that I'm not whole and I'm working very hard to establish a sense of completeness in my life. I'm learning what it means to grow spiritually and to find balance. This individual exhibited EXTREME integrity last night. To which...I can only question my own. Do I have any integrity in dating? Is that why I hate dating? How or where do I begin to examine this within myself? It's a very large concept for me and I'm not sure what I truly believe to be right/moral. I guess that actual question is where do I start to look for answers and understanding when it comes to integrity in dating? I suppose Border's Book store is fine place...the more I read about how others feel, the more I can find myself either agreeing or disagreeing and coming to my own conclusions. I certainly need a conclusion right now as I feel like a terrible person not having any integrity in this area. I've dated far too long without it!

Let The Poison Begin!

2008-08-26T16:08:00.001-07:00

Today was the start of chemotherapy for my grandma. I made sure that I was able to go and meet with the doctors. Everything was fine until my grandma sat down in the chemo chair...then she started to cry and it was all over. Once she started to cry, my grandpa started to cry, then me, then my aunt...it was a total chain effect. I completely understand, she's scared - the situation is scary!
The doctor hasn't put any of us at ease either. They don't know where the cancer started so they're going to treat her like she has lung cancer. As we're told "it's extremely rare" to not find a place of origin...yet...here we are...
We're all hoping and praying and I suppose that's all we can do. Grandma is a fighter and deep within me, I know that it's all up to her. If she wants to fight this she can, if she truly doesn't think she can - then...the show is over.

Books

2008-08-22T19:06:00.000-07:00

I saw the best episode of "Three and a Half Men" today. I've complained about this to Cinnamon before and to know that someone else thinks this way too...rocks! I hate going to work sometimes because I work in the library. When I walk in and I see five stories of books I get REALLY frustrated. I'll never be able to read all of them. I'll be lucky to read one floor. I could read as fast as I possibly could, as often as I possibly could and I'd never accomplish the isles. On "Three and a Half Men" the dopey brother was standing in a book store crying over the fact that he would never be able to catch up, there were just too many books to read...he starts grabbing them off the shelf and screaming at them...it was classic!! That's entirely how I feel with books!

Together

2008-08-22T13:44:00.000-07:00

I'm just not together enough for dating yet. I got asked out again in the hallway today and all I could think was "NO WAY." I'm not in a position to date. I'm not sane enough yet. I have so much to learn about myself that devoting time and energy to forming a relationship to the best of my ability...well...isn't the best of my ability.
Instead, I'd like to focus on self growth, learning how to advance my spirit, figuring out what thigns in life really make me happy and enjoying those things without worry about other.

The Standard

2008-08-19T21:58:00.000-07:00

We all have these internal standards that have been set. The question really is, where did that standard come from and who is responsible for setting that standard? Today, I learned that "I set the standard." No one else is responsible for deciding what is "good enough" for me. In the past, I've always allowed the standard to be what I've been told I'm able to achieve. However...that's just not the case. That idea of go out there and do the best you can. Well...that comes from within as well. You'll try the best you can for that day or that moment or project and that then becomes the standard you have for yourself. So, in the morning now when I wake up, I'm going to look in the mirror and remind myself that "I set the standard."

Sick Again

2008-08-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes my illness knocks me on my butt, yesterday was one of those days. I think I was awake for two hours total. I'm exhausted today as well, but as the story goes, I refuse to stay in bed. I'm going to get up and do stuff! I was suppose to go out rafting today and I really really want to, but I know that I simply can't. So, I'll drive to Woodland and visit my family. Bad days are far and few between but when they come through, they come through strong and they completely kick my butt.

Spinning

2008-08-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

Minds spin. You know that stream of thinking that goes on in your head, that's spinning. Some people spin slowly, some faster and yet...some too fast. I use to spin too fast and now I'm right where it should be. However, I have this strange fear of the spinning since it use to be so out of control. Now when the spinning starts I pay more attention to it. For example, I was driving in my car today and I started thinking about last night. I had an awesome night. Felix and I went out and did...all sorts of stuff! It was rather adventure packed. Then I found myself in my car again and I noticed that the spinning was going, I can go with it or I can stop it...which one is really best? Should I even notice that spinning this much?
I think in the end I'm learning that my body is finally on level ground and my mind is there now too, which means that the spinning isn't a bad thing - it's a great thing and I have to let that happen.

Issues

2008-08-15T13:05:00.000-07:00

I have issues...hehehehe...

First issue, I'm on the job market again. I have a hard time settling for anything less than perfection and this would be that sort of situation. I want a place where I go to work every morning excited to be there. Excited over the events of the day and feeling confident that I'm making a difference.

Second issue, I have a problem dating. A big problem. I fall head over heels for an individuals personality but just can't bring myself to be physically attracted to them...does this happen to anyone else? It results in me cycling back to the same set of two guys who I am actually attracted to, over and over, over and over...and eventually having to cut off my "friendships" with the others because I get to the point where I can't even look at them. WTF?

Third issue, caring. I just don't give a rats about most male "friends" (you know, the playboy bunny type). I can't bring myself to put in the effort. I seem to only be able to stick with the "fun while it lasts" mentality and that drives them running fast...but I'm okay with it...I'm not sure I should be...hahahah. Shouldn't I want a long term relationship? Shouldn't I want something more? If so, then what the heck...

Fourth, trust. The typical topic that people like to discuss about me. I have trust issues. I know that. I don't know why, I'm getting better...but I can't trust people easily. I guess I have no reason to trust someone until proven otherwise. Does that even make sense? I guess that could be why I'm good at these quick little attempts at multiple relationships at once...but the commitement thing...I haven't done that in eight months now and I'm not even interested in doing it again. Again...shouldn't I be?

I guess the actual underlying issue is that I don't care enough about things I should...hahahaha!

Chemo and Jobs

2008-08-12T20:30:00.001-07:00

Grandma went to see the Chemo nurse and oncologist today. Apparently, they haven't found an origin for the cancer, which means maybe that spot on her chest is it. So, no chemo yet -but she'll start radiation 5 days a week asap. With any luck this will go fast and be painless. GOOD!

Working is rough, rough, rough...

Community

2008-08-10T21:06:00.000-07:00

I have some of the coolest people in my life. My roomie Pam, my buddy Nicole and I went to the art walk yesterday. It was amazing!! On the way there we noticed some people playing bongo drums and singing reggae in front of this house. We were like "dang, sure looks like a group we should party with..." just happens I knew one of them and within minutes WE WERE partying with them. How awesome!! We did the walk and went back to the house for a street party with a DJ. It was pretty rockin'. Pam was a bit on the sick side so we called it quits early that night...but it was a total blast!!
Oh did I mention that I'm talking to boys again. Ha! Yeah, not dating, I'm not in a dating spot with things right now...but talking. It's fun. One guy is totally awesome and I agree with the way he identified with the world, time and space...the other one...well...it's odd because he's entirely not good for me, yet...he gets me. Like the words I'm saying, he understands. Isn't that strange?? I don't know if I've ever met a guy who actually took the words I said and...got it.

Bitter much

2008-07-23T20:57:00.000-07:00

Apparently the ex-roomie was bitter when she moved out...cause...(now this one kinda shocked me a bit)...she took food that didn't even belong to her.
I went to the fridge after a long days work and was gonna make this meal I had prepped for last week...but nooooo...she took some of my food! Hahahaha, if she had asked I would have sent her away with a care package...hahahahah!

On another note, I'm excited about tomorrow. It's girls night and my gal pals and I are planning our usual Thursday event. I haven't seen them in a week and I'm feeling deprived so it sure will be nice to get out and enjoy they're silly antics.

Still waiting to hear what Grandma's results are, gotta just keep praying and having faith in the power of that which we can not control.

William

2008-07-23T10:11:00.000-07:00

Julie (my sister in law) said William (my 3 year old Newphew) had some testing the other day. These tests are called IP's and they are to see how the child is progressing in vocabulary and such to see if they are ready for school or need special help. Apparently when they asked him about colors - when they showed him purple - he said RahRah (his sister's nickname), blue was Skyler (his brother)---
With numbers - guess what - 4 was Rah Rah (that is in fact her age), 2 or 3 was Willie (that's his age too...hahaha) ---
Finally, they did the alphabet - the person said “A” “ah” “ah” and he didn't care at all- then “B” “buh” “buh” - he got all excited -- they thought it was cool he knew his alphabet until Julie explained he was excited about his aunt since they call me Bubba! HAHAH!

First Roomie Encounter

2008-07-22T21:28:00.000-07:00

I had been warned that roomie can be bad...bad...and worse. This one was only bad...some...
Kristy moved in at the end of June. It was agreed it would be a 3 week - 4 week room rental. I didn't ask for a deposit and asked for price that was less than the other two girls in the house were paying. At the end of week 3, I was told she'd be out by the end of 4, at the end of 4 I asked for more $$ to help with utilities since she was still there. At the end of week 5 I asked for $45 in rent for the week (that would equal $180 a month for rent - CRAZY CHEAP). She got upset...needless to say...she was unable to pay and moved out today.
She left a mess in her old room and the kitchen. When I texted her a message to let her know that I didn't appreciate her mess - she responded that she didn't really care since I was money hungry! HAHAHAH! Perhaps $45 is unreasonable but considering all the other girls are paying at least $100 a week...I think it was very generous and can't say I regret anything other than offering up my hospitality to her. Next time, I will most certainly ask any individual passing through for a deposit and a set move in/out date. Lesson learned.

Might I add that I was thanked by a roomie for not allowing that situation to continue.

The Weekend

2008-07-21T08:50:00.000-07:00

So we all know that last week was EXTREMELY tough on me. Between the loss of my cousin and my grandmom's health, I've been really hurting. It was strange because although last week was rough and this week is going to tougher...I have this weekend in the middle that I had already committed to. It was a bit of a distraction and that was nice. I got to get away from the real world and just touch base with myself. It was much needed and a great time.
I also got to go to the Coloma Club for the first time. That place is really neat. They have the back of the club set up kinda in a tropical fashion. Definitely comes with my recommendation - you can bet I'll be there more often!

Too Much Somtimes

2008-07-16T12:02:00.000-07:00

Life is so flippin' fragile. I found out this morning that my counsin, Jordan was killed in a car accident. She was only 19 years old. I'm surprised and not getting it right now...but wow...life is so fragile. I just cherish everyone I have so much that it seems...wow

Direction

2008-07-14T20:34:00.001-07:00

I was going to post about things that have been on my mind for a week or so now, the job, the people in my life, love, happiness and adventure...but as the story goes...fate has a different direction for me right now.
There are some serious events taking place around me that do directly affect me. Sure, I'm a bit worried right now but at the same time I know that I have to be strong because if I'm not, who will be? Details aren't been talked about right now, just for privacy reasons and all...but your prayers and support for my family and every one's health and positive spirits would sure be appreciated.

Switching It Up

2008-07-09T08:44:00.000-07:00

I'm changing stuff, things that don't work go out and things that work stay in. End of story!
I've got two important meetings today and they may mean a happier, healthier me, at least that's what I'm counting on. We'll have to see.
Other than that, life's good. I've got a lot going on. Things are right. I love my new house, it's wonderful. Sure my roommates can be pills on occassion but that's okay too, I'm learning how to deal with that and I think it's making me a better person.
For example, after my weekend camp trip, I came home and there was someone else's underwear in my room! YIKES! I wanted very badly to completely flip out. Instead, I washed my sheets, announced to the house that who ever left their underwear in my room could find it in the living room, and I used tongs to move the underwear to the center of the living room. Magically, it disappeared...ha!

Loon Lake

2008-07-05T19:24:00.000-07:00

Milinda, Derek, John, Lee, Paul, Lori and I kayaked out around Loon Lake and found a nice little camping site. We set up overnight and had a great time. There was much drinking, much coolness and much fun.
Derek's a great guy, he's super friendly and sweet. I know that Milinda really cares about him. I just hope that he'll wake up and realize what a great lady she is.
John's a hoe...at least that's what I've decided. He's one of those older men that gets around more than he ought to...you know...like a few of the others I know.
Lori was an overall nice person but not someone I hope to see more of.
Paul was a blast. He's a wealth of knowledge about kayaking!
Lee, lee, lee...he cracked me up. He had this very dry sense of humor and no one would laugh but me when he said something funny. I think he's hilarious at least!

Intensity

2008-07-01T10:44:00.000-07:00

I'm too intense for 95% of the population. First there was Brad who ran away cause I was too much to handle for him. Now...strangely...I think Brandon may be running. STRANGE!! We've been doing our thing and yesterday he sent me a message that said "Do me a favor - back off. I have some things I need to deal with." To which I was quickly offended and sent him a message that read "WOW! Not like you at all. Harsh!" And he then said "Sorry, nothing against you. I just need some time alone."
What does any of that mean? I'm not going to stress over it, but I do have to wonder just what's up. He's been in my life (on and off) for five years. But in the past when things weren't what he wanted he just disappeared, what does it mean that he actually told me this time and does that mean he's not going away, he just needs space. I'm so confused and the worst part is that strangely, in the past, I've used my wall and ignored the sketchy in our relationship - however, I seem to care this time...what does that say about me?

Work

2008-06-10T21:54:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling with my new job. I'm frustrated at being thrown into something and then being pulled out of it...I feel like I'm on a yo-yo. I expressed this to my boss today and we're gonna try and work on improving that. It's just hard right now and whether I'm up for the emotional task of getting this to work or if I need to jump the boat now and save my emotional sanity...then...well...we'll see.
I miss the river! I wish I could just hang out there and not have to deal with anything that the "real world" has to offer. I'm finding as each day passes that I'm not on the water, I start to miss it a bit more and I start plotting ways of getting back to the water. I know I'm not alone...the other guides are feeling the same magnetism of the river.

Wrapping it Up - River Style

2008-06-05T21:52:00.000-07:00

I bought pictures of the rafting trip today. They're awesome! They show the boat flipping in slow motion!
Today was another good day on the water. My feet are totally torn up, but it's all good. As great a time as I've having - home sure will be nice and I sure do miss my doggie!

White White White White Water!

2008-06-04T21:51:00.000-07:00

Another good day rafting! Randy is leaving camp tonight and that kinda bites. I like him, he's super sweet, smart, kind and hilarious. His energy is contagious!!! I hope that he'll exist in my life in the future.
Brad was okay today. I think we'll probably be friends after this venture...it seems like what we both may find most suiting.
I'm still not sure I'm ready to date...I think I may just need to give more time to myself.

Cruzing on the River

2008-06-03T21:48:00.000-07:00

Today's energy was very bizarre. I woke up feeling out of my element and by noon I was ready to cry, but...a new guide, Canada, took us down Hospital Bar and we flipped the boat. It was great and a total adrenaline rush!
On a different note, Brad, the guy I was chaing when I made the crazy decision to come here, yelled at me on the water today. I felt hurt. It bothered me more than it should have and really made me put some more questioning into just who he is and the perhaps false perception I have created of him.

Rafting It Up

2008-06-02T21:46:00.000-07:00

Rafting camp was good today. I had a lot of fun and we nearly died when Chad drove the wrong line down Troublemaker (South Fork American River). I'm learning a lot about just what it means to be a part of a really rocking team. I've found that being silent and listening to people really does teach you a ton!!
I'll admit to a quick cell phone check today (I've been here 3.5 days). Calls on voice mail included: 1. Alena 2. Fernando 3. Pom Rescue.
I miss Alena! It's been far too long since I've seen her or Akiko and I certainly hope that we can see each other more regularly.

Woo-Hoo

2008-06-01T21:44:00.000-07:00

I'm at Rafting Guide School this week. It's good! The people are wonderful and the waters are cold. I do have a slight concern since I got here, I've been staying up late and waking up early. I'm a little worried about becoming emotionally quack quack since I know my bodies steps towards crazy 1. no sleep 2. no eat 3. EXPLOSION!

Life is Good

2008-05-27T22:09:00.000-07:00

Things feel good today...I'm excited about moving into my new place, I'm feeling like I'm learning (constantly), my job can only go up (hahahah), my friends rock, life...rocks!
There was a slight attempt at roommate drama from S. the roommate who hasn't moved in yet, but it all worked out and things are calm. I'm all about calm these days. I don't need the drama and neither do you!
Speaking of hilarious drama, I went on a date with John and...he's DRAMA. I'm just glad to say that I can now identify such drama and walk away...or at least take a slow stroll in the opposite direction...hahaha!

A Sign or what?

2008-05-24T19:32:00.000-07:00

I had to laugh today when I woke up and got online. There was this thing on my Facebook that said "Not the Brad you're looking for? Keep searching here..." I had to laught...how could I not!?! After all I made the decision on Thursday that Brad wasn't the one I was looking for...hahaha...fate speaks...go figure...

Growing Pains

2008-05-21T22:57:00.000-07:00

First, before I write...let me start by telilng you that the cosmos played a funny joke on me today. I was riding my bike towards campus to go to rafting prep school and ... no joke...one arm of my sunglasses jumped off my head and leapt into a bush. NO JOKE!! The arm was gone and I couldn't find it...so...in a bind...I had to buy sunglasses at the bookstore and they cost me $16. What a rip off!

______
About growth: I'm growing. Today I was able to identify a problem in my life and clearly see it and understand it. I'm not sure how to address this "issue" but that's just another step in the path of life. I'm just so proud that I've made it this far and that I truly get the concept, how it affects me, what my errors are, what the other person's errors are and knowing that I can move forward and learn from this encounter. YEAH FOR LEARNING!